The Illusion of Being Self-Made: How Our Identity is Built Without Us Noticing

Ever Think You’re Self-Made? Let’s Rethink That.

We love the idea of the self-made person—the individual who, through sheer willpower and effort, becomes who they are. It’s an empowering thought.

But here’s the problem: It’s an illusion.

Not because we lack agency, but because agency itself isn’t what we think it is. We don’t arrive in the world fully in control. We don’t wake up one day and suddenly take charge of our lives in some clear, defining moment. Instead, we become—slowly, through a feedback loop we don’t even recognize.

And by the time we start asking questions about who we are, we’ve already constructed a narrative so convincing that we mistake it for truth.

Let’s break this down.

Where It All Begins

We start as infants—blank slates in the sense that we have no knowledge, no choices made, no identity yet. Everything we come to understand about the world is shaped by what we’re exposed to.

We don’t choose the language we first hear.

We don’t choose the values embedded in the people around us.

We don’t choose the environments that set the foundation for our thinking.

Yet, we absorb all of it—far more than anyone intends to teach us.

A baby doesn’t just mimic what they’re taught explicitly; they pick up on tone, habits, patterns. They don’t realize they’re forming a foundation for how they will navigate the world. They just do.

And even at this stage, something fascinating happens: personality emerges.

A baby is not just an empty vessel. They come with a temperament—genetic predispositions that shape how they interact with the world. Some are naturally cautious. Some seek novelty. Some are easily agitated, while others are effortlessly content.

But even this—our earliest expression of self—is not something we chose. It’s something given to us.

The Feedback Loop That Shapes Us

As children grow, they interact with their environment. And the environment interacts back.

• A naturally curious child asks questions. If those questions are encouraged, they keep asking. If they’re dismissed, they start asking less.

• A child with a genetic inclination toward high energy receives feedback—positive or negative—that shapes how they express it.

• A child who struggles socially begins to internalize their interactions as part of their identity, reinforcing their own behavior.

Every action gets a response. That response either reinforces or suppresses behaviors. And over time, this feedback loop begins forming what we recognize as personality, habits, strengths, and weaknesses.

But here’s the thing: we don’t see the loop while we’re in it.

To the child, these experiences just feel like life. They’re not consciously recognizing the patterns being set. They are in the process, unaware that it is a process at all.

And so, as they move from childhood into adolescence, the fragments of self-awareness begin to appear.

How the Illusion Takes Form

As teenagers, we begin reflecting on who we are. We start making choices that feel more intentional. We develop preferences, interests, goals. And eventually, we reach adulthood, looking back at our lives, telling ourselves:

“This is who I became because of the choices I made.”

But pause for a second.

• Can you pinpoint the exact moment you took control of your life?

• Can you prove you weren’t just piecing together fragments of awareness, turning them into a story?

Because that’s what we do.

We don’t experience ourselves as a feedback loop. We experience ourselves in moments, scattered fragments of awareness that we later weave into a coherent narrative. By the time we recognize that we are “us,” that identity already feels stable—even though it was constructed over years without our knowing.

And so we assume: “I must have made myself.”

And that’s the illusion.

Not that we lack agency—but that our agency isn’t a singular force. It’s an emergent property of this entire system—our genes, our environment, our experiences—feeding into one another, moment by moment.

The Limits of Awareness: Why Seeing the Loop Doesn’t Mean Controlling It

There’s one more layer to this.

Even when we recognize the loop shaping us, that recognition alone doesn’t give us the power to change ourselves at will.

Self-awareness is often mistaken for control. But seeing the pattern is not the same as breaking it.

Because change—real change—is not something we decide to do. It’s something that happens when the right conditions emerge.

What Awareness Actually Gives Us

Recognizing the loop only gives us one power:

➡️ The ability to place ourselves in situations that might change us.

That’s it.

We don’t get to decide if the change happens.

We don’t get to decide what will change.

We don’t get to dictate how it unfolds.

All we can do is shift our position within it—expose ourselves to new environments, seek different challenges, step into discomfort—but there’s no guarantee what will come out of it.

The Shift: From Judgment to Collective Responsibility

Instead of separating ourselves from others, this understanding should do three things:

1. Make us Grateful – If you have enough awareness to even ask why you are the way you are, recognize that you didn’t create that ability alone.

2. Make us Curious – Instead of assuming people should just get it, ask: What conditions would actually allow them to?

3. Make us Responsible – If we understand the feedback loop, we have the ability to help others see their own patterns.

If you truly see the loop, what will you do with that knowledge?

• Will you use it to separate yourself from others?

• Or will you help create the conditions for others to see it, too?

Understanding this isn’t an excuse to be passive.

It’s an invitation to take responsibility—not just for yourself, but for others.

Acknowledgment

This piece was shaped through deep conversation and refinement with the help of ChatGPT, leveraging insights and structured reasoning to clarify the complex relationship between agency, identity, and the illusion of being self-made. The process also benefited from discussions with Perplexity AI, further reinforcing the importance of collaborative thought in unraveling deep philosophical and psychological ideas.